The fractured heart who do I blame?

Years ago, I had a deep fracture in my heart that medicine couldn’t heal and I needed help.

I met with a pastor for three days. He had an exercise that he wanted me to try, and through this, he was able to actually diagnose the wound, but he wasn’t the one who could heal it.

During one of the sessions, I began telling him about the fear I had about starting a family. I told him that I had learned that if I did drugs, my children were going to be born with birth defects, and I believed the lie

He asked, “How did you get past your fear?” Honestly, after I stopped drinking and drugging, I just quit thinking about it. (May 12, 1988)

Pastor said, “I am so sorry.”

Pastor said, “Please, tell me about your son.” So I did.

Kevin, I want you to close your eyes for a moment and stay in that memory. “Do you see Jesus in the room?” I said, “Yes, I do!”

Pastor said, “What is he doing?”

I said, ” He is in the hallway opposite of me cradling my son while I am sitting on the bench in the hallway all alone.”

Pastor said, “I want you to ask Jesus, what is the lie that you have been believing”.

Jesus said, “you believed that this was your fault and that you could have done something to prevent this.”

Pastor said, “Ask Jesus, what is the truth?”

So, I asked. Jesus said, “the truth is this was never your fault, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.”

Pastor said, “Ask Jesus if there is anything else he wants to tell you? So, I asked, and this is what I heard … “Son, it’s time to let go …. It was Taylor’s time”….. at that moment, I saw Jesus float away into the light in the corner of the hallway, and He had Taylor with him.

I took a deep breath and then everything changed!
I had gone from being convinced that my bad choices namely my 11 year drug addiction, were responsible for the death of my son and not wanting to have more children to being set free from the regret of my past.

Luke 4:18 says Jesus came to heal the sick, to bring sight to the blind and to heal the broken hearted
Jesus healed my broken heart, and all I did was ask him.
Jesus was the medicine that was missing ..

Holy Spirit prompted me this morning about my son. He would be 32 this year. It’s so easy to get caught up in how my life could have been different.

I didn’t get 30 years with him or 40 years with him. I got 45 minutes. I didn’t get to watch him go through school or go to college , I didn’t get to teach him about the Lord. There are so many things that I did not get to do.

I didn’t get to be a role model. 😭

I have to tell you that just as soon as I wrote that statement about being a role model, I just broke on my couch and cried like a baby. That was heartbreaking. All of my healing and the Lord touched on something new.

Then Holy Spirit showed me that I got to be a role model for 45 minutes. (more freedom!)

The ministry I went through is called Theophostics. I will forever be grateful.

My identity is in Jesus, not in the death of my son. Life goes on. My son passed away, but I still have 5 children to love on.

Today is a Great day. Today is the day the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.🙏🙏🙏

Our Father

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