Shame and coping

I am reading in a book by Dr. James Richards. It is called “Wired for Success, Programmed for Failure.”

He says shame, on the other hand, goes beyond the feelings that I have done something wrong to the feelings “that something is wrong with me.”

Shame is a rejection of self! According to some research shame as the most destructive of all negative internal responses. To reject self is to enter into a conspiracy of self-destruction with the world and all that is in it! If I am “wrong or bad,” that I must reject me and I must be punished.

When you are walking in shame what is the next thing that usually comes? Condemnation is usually what comes next. Many times after that instead of finding the root you choose to cope which doesn’t help anything. We need to find the one thing that makes us want to cope and corrected.

Psalm 103:8-12 ESV

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

Dr. Richards says, When we find ourselves in the throes of failure of any kind the most common coping mechanism is blame. We must find or create a suitable nemesis on which to blame our failure. If we cannot find an individual to blame, then we will blame the world in general. One of the ways to realize we are still simply coping is our tendency to complain and criticize. Complaining, which actually creates more internal stress, is a clear signal that we still need excuses for the conditions of our life that our heart simply will not accept! People who are not living as they are “wired” struggle to find contentment. Learning to cope is taking an antacid. The problem doesn’t go away, you don’t feel just right, but your symptoms don’t appear to be bad enough to consider yourself sick. Yet all the while your body is preparing for disease. Coping drains us of physical and emotional energy and masks the symptoms but never solves the real problem.

Isaiah 54:4 ESV

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.

This book is really speaking to me about shame and coping. I do not want to cope with my problems. I know for me personally there are areas in my life that I choose to cope with. That is not a good way to live.

So It Begins.

When you are walking in shame and you are coping with issues in your life. It is very hard to bring value to people. And if you can’t bring value to people it’s hard feeling valued.