139:23-24 which says
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
and lead me in the everlasting way.
The lie I like to believe is looking at porn is okay occasionally. ( I came up with a new term … Porn Binging. Like an alcoholic that goes on a drinking binge) I know that is not true, but I want to believe it. This is what my confessional project centers on. I struggle with discipline in all areas of my life and it starts with the lack of discipline in my life and it has a trickledown effect in every other area of my life. I have confessed and repented more times than I can count to the point of sometimes thinking “What is the point?”. I sometimes feel like I am destined to be like this. I have my good moments when I can go months without looking at anything. I know the Holy Spirit showed me a couple years ago that my biggest issue is it is my choice. I have given you all of the tools to defeat this. (Okay I just got my world rocked just now, what comes next is from Holy Spirit, I have never heard this from Him before, I am in tears) but you choose not use everything I have given you So really the choice is not the fact that I choose not to go there it means that I don’t choose what He has given me to beat this thing. Now I can say PRIDE He showed me that as well. Sheer determination not to do something is like white knuckling it. when it comes to not snorting cocaine after using for 5 years, White knuckling will only take you so far…. I know this for a fact. I have been there. I have not touched cocaine since May 12th 1988 but it was not because I white knuckled it. Hear is another lie that was just revealed to me. I did not rely on Jesus to save me from cocaine addiction, it was the fear of losing everything … namely my wife and kids. It had nothing to do with God. I am not saying god did not have anything to do with that. In my mind it was sheer determination and going to the hospital that saved me. I believe that is the root ……………………………………………… Holy Spirit says yes that is the root!
The lie was I did it! I beat the cocaine addiction (that was when there was only one set of foot prints in the sand) and now I feel I can still do it with the lust. That is a LIE!
Galatians 6:7-9 As I have been mediating on this Wise words from Holy Spirit the last two weeks. I have come to a couple of conclusions.
- If I am not sowing to please the Spirit, then there is only one thing left that I am doing and that is sowing to please my sinful nature. NOT PRETTY!
- I will reap a harvest if I don’t give up! I can tell you right now……. When It comes to ME fighting this battle I am weary.
Jesus says ….. comes to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your soul. I am truly not sure if I have ever allowed rest for my soul. I am going to say that I DID NOT WANT TO DO THE CONFESSIONAL PROJECT AND I WAS NOT GOING TO DO IT. It was either be obedient or not… I chose the latter.
Thank you Jesus