Psalm 139

139:23-24 which says

    Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any hurtful way in me,

and lead me in the everlasting way.


The lie I like to believe is looking at porn is okay occasionally. ( I came up with a new term … Porn Binging.  Like an alcoholic that goes on a drinking binge) I know that is not true, but I want to believe it.  This is what my confessional project centers on.    I struggle with discipline in all areas of my life and it starts with the lack of discipline in my life and it has a trickledown effect in every other area of my life.  I have confessed and repented more times than I can count to the point of sometimes thinking  “What is the point?”.  I sometimes feel like I am destined to be like this.  I have my good moments when I can go months without looking at anything.  I know the Holy Spirit showed me a couple years ago that my  biggest issue is it is my choice.  I have given you all of the tools to defeat this.  (Okay I just got my world rocked just now, what comes next is from Holy Spirit,  I have never heard this from Him before,  I am in tears)   but you choose not use everything I have given you  So really the choice is not the fact that I choose not to go there it means that I don’t choose what He has given me to beat this thing. Now I can say PRIDE  He showed me that as well.  Sheer determination not to do something is like white knuckling it.  when it comes to not snorting cocaine after using for 5 years,  White knuckling will only take you so far…. I know this for a fact.  I have been there.  I have not touched cocaine since May 12th 1988 but it was not because I white knuckled it.  Hear is another lie that was just revealed to me.  I did not rely on Jesus to save me from cocaine addiction, it was the fear of losing everything … namely my wife and kids.  It had nothing to do with God.  I am not saying god did not have anything to do with that.  In my mind it was sheer determination and going to the hospital that saved me.  I believe that is the root  ………………………………………………  Holy Spirit says yes that is the root!

The lie was I did it!   I beat the cocaine addiction (that was when there was only one set of foot prints in the sand) and now I feel I can still do it with the lust.  That is a LIE!

Galatians 6:7-9  As I have been mediating on this Wise words from Holy Spirit the last two weeks.  I have come to a couple of conclusions. 

  • If I am not sowing to please the Spirit, then there is only one thing left that I am doing and that is sowing to please my sinful nature.  NOT PRETTY!
  • I will reap a harvest if I don’t give up!  I can tell you right now……. When It comes to ME fighting this battle I am weary.

Jesus says ….. comes to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your soul.  I am truly not sure if I have ever allowed rest for my soul.   I am going to say that I DID NOT WANT TO DO THE CONFESSIONAL PROJECT AND I WAS NOT GOING TO DO IT.  It was either be obedient or not… I chose the latter. 


Thank you Jesus

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