My Testimony

My Testimony

My whole life is a testimony. I started writing my testimony for the first time in the fall of 2001. Then I got to tell it in front of the church. (1100 people) (that was fun Ha Ha)

I was born and raised in Amarillo, TX. I went to school in Canyon Texas …. Jr High and high school. I was raised in the Presbyterian Church to about the 9thgrade. Basically, I was made to go to church as young as I could remember, and my dad did not go to church. I hated it with every fiber in my being. I got picked on, made fun of and beat up. I can tell you this … as soon as I was old enough to make it miserable for my mom when I went she quit making me go. My journey started when I was around 2 ½ years old. That is when I burnt down my bedroom. (that is another story.) When I was five, I remember sitting in that bathroom at my dad’s friend’s house looking at the stack of Playboy’s. My family and I would go over to their house every Friday or Sat. night for years. I remember getting so excited about going over there because I knew I would get to look at the magazines. During those same years was the first time I got a buzz on alcohol (cold duck). When I went into the seventh grade, I found video porn. That was the first time I saw any type of video. In the 9thgrade I started smoking pot and by the time I was a senior in high school I was a full-blown drug addict (cocaine, pot, meth and LSD). I was shooting drugs intravenously by the time I was 15. I also had a collection of porn mags stashed around.

Not having God in my life has caused many problems. Even though I did not have Jesus, He still watched over me. I should have died four times in motor vehicle wrecks in 9 months in 81. I Hit big dog going 55 mph on motorcycle, Lady ran red light and I caved in her windshield with my head and totaled my bike, laid my Harley down doing 76 mph and totaled my car after hitting an underpass pillar head on doing 35 to 40 mph, I should have overdosed twice and died from cocaine abuse but I am still here. I remember waking up on Monday mornings many times and not knowing how I got home the day before on my motorcycle because I was so drunk.

I remember being mad at God for allowing my son to die in 1991, If you are real then why is my son DEAD! I knew he was real, I learned that much in church, But I was pissed. The preacher gave me a bible …. I didn’t read it …. Why should I. God let my son die!

I had led a life of numerous addictions, some almost killed me, but none were more devastating than pornography. The porn addiction really did not surface until I got clean off drugs in 1988. I used the porn to replace the drugs. I did not recognize I had a problem until 1995 when my now ex-wife busted me on the Internet and I could not explain myself. In June 2001, I decide to get some professional help. I also asked my ex to get some marriage counseling with me and she said no. I had been viewing porn off and on for almost 35 years. I really did not think it was a problem until the year 1998. Truly by the Grace of God, I am drug free and porn free today.

My life as I knew it came crashing down on August 16, 2001 at 9:30pm. (I had just turned 40 on 8/4) That was the night my Karen rolled over in bed and said that she did not respect me anymore (after being together for over 17 years). My life as I knew it changed forever. I cried like a baby, did not sleep, and had nobody to turn to except my 11-year-old daughter Nichole (I didn’t know the Lord yet or that I could turn to Him). At that moment, I felt like Nichole was the only friend I had. (I know now that I was very co-dependent with her at that time.) The next day I called my therapist and three close friends of mine. One friend in prior conversation had told me about this church and its pastor, Brad Small who had a sexual addiction in his past; she thought that he could help me.

Monday morning, I showed up at 9:00 am in Brad’s office crying like I had never cried before. He came in his office with one of the elders; Wib and they took me in with open arms. They both talked to me for an hour and half and prayed over me. That was the beginning of my relationship with God, Brad, Wib, and the church. I had never had God in my life before and so this was a struggle, but God got me through it. I have never looked back.

August 20th was the first time in years that I had picked up the bible and read in it. My friend Merritt said to read the Psalms, so I did.

That Friday I started going to Celebrate Recovery and immediately made friends although I was scared. I was received with open arms. Amarillo South is such a friendly church. I started listening to praise music and now that is all I listen too. Within a month after that, I found a small group that I liked which was at Brad’s house. I went to both men’s accountability groups. One met at 6:30 AM on Tuesday mornings and the other met at 6:00 on Thursday evenings. The other thing that I did was go to church every Sunday. Sometimes I would go to both services. I also did not play golf on Sunday any more. I also developed a quiet time, which is so important. I read in my Bible 15 to 30 minutes every morning. August, September, October, November and December of 2001 were very tough months, but I got through them with God’s help and the friends that I had made in Brad and Allison’s small group. December 31st to me was the official start of my walk with the Lord. I had a conversation with a very close friend of mine. We discussed how you know if it is God’s will or your will. She explained it to me very well.

My Salvation story. On Jan 1st, 2002 I just buried myself in the Bible and my praise music. That was the first time I was moved by reading the Bible. I knew that day, that Jesus had saved me, and I was going to heaven. That day I confessed with my mouth and believed in my heart that Jesus is Lord. Romans 10:9. Through the months of Jan. and Feb. my friend helped me so much with my walk. I immersed myself in the Bible and anything that had to do with Jimmy Evans at Trinity Fellowship. Books and tapes like Marriage on the rock . . .. Freedom from you past, Return to Intimacy. I read them all and listened to them all. I found out through reading Marriage on the Rock that I was a dominant, angry and verbally abusive husband who committed adultery with internet women every night and every day. I WAS AND ADULTER. What women would want to be married to man like that? The Bible says stand by your man. Karen did that for years. She stood by me on lots of things even though she did not like it. I will always admire her for that. The biggest problem that we had when I reflect back is we had no communication at all.

I did everything in my power to save my marriage, but it was too late. My Karen was gone, and she was not coming back. For the first time in 17 years I was all alone.

The Lord has turned my life around and I remarried in June 2003. I met my wonderful Kelly on www.Eharmony.com and she is truly an answered prayer. Our first date was Nov. 1st. 2002 and we married June 28, 2003. I then moved from Amarillo, TX. To Arlington, TX in July of 2003. I now have three more bonus children that I have been blessed with. Our first year of marriage was tough but we made it with the Lord’s help. Now it just keeps getting better and better. 2005 was a good year. I did have a major glitch though. I let my mind stray somewhat and I got on the Internet and looked at pornography for the first time since we had been married. I had been looking for a couple of minutes every other night for the previous couple of weeks. I can remember asking the Lord for help. I asked to get caught and Sunday Feb. 27, 2005 I got on for about 20 seconds and she caught me. That was a very difficult time in our marriage. I learned in the next couple of weeks of what it is like to be married to a Godly woman. I learned that the Blood of Jesus covers all things and it is not selective.

The biggest thing though with this resurfacing of the porn was how my wife reacted . She didn’t react but she responded with love, don’t get me wrong it hurt her, but she understood that it’s just sin, she walkd me through the process with me to try and figure out what happened and why I went back but the biggest thing is a she understands that me looking at porn doesn’t have anything to do with her, I didn’t destroy her life . she understands that there’s nothing wrong with her. And my favorite part is that she loved me right where I was at. That is what a daughter of the king does.

When I look back at the chain of events that led me to start searching the Internet, I remember that my quiet time went first and then my prayer life left me. We all know what happens when we cut off communication to the Lord. At that time, I was involved in a men’s accountability group that I co-led. The problem was that I was not being honest with the brothers in the group. I was trying to stay pure for them instead of staying pure for the Lord

This was the original Testimony I had written in 2002. The next page has been added

How about the other part of my growing up? The part where my mom and dad never told me they loved me. (I am sure they did I just don’t remember) I never seemed to be able to do what was expected of me. I was a troublemaker. I figured that since I couldn’t get the positive attention I needed then I would do the negative stuff to get attention. (this is what I have been told now that I am older) In the first grade I got sent to the office every day. I went through high school but did not graduate. (So, what) I still went to college. When I look back I can see where I received many wounds from my parents. (They did not do it on purpose. You don’t know what you don’t know) My dad was not around allot. He had his own business and worked all the time. Occasional we would do things together but not near enough. My dad would always miss my track and swim meets at camp. That hurt. Only until just recently did I realize that I struggled with rejection. Rejection from my parents was probably my biggest wound.. I have also learned that the actions of my parents help shape my Direction towards pornography

In June 05, I went on the Walk to Emmaus. That was a setup to prepare me for my Quest. Sept 05, I went on my first Quest and my quest life as I know it began. They set the table and I pulled up a chair. www.Fellowshipofthesword.com puts on The Quest Life. So, in August I signed up for the September Quest #20. Nothing had prepared me for what the Lord was going to show me on the QUEST. 6 days with our Lord that changed my life forever. What an encounter.

I went back as a staff member on the March Quest 06 and Father continues to move in my life. You might say He peeled off another layer. I realized that just because you’re saved doesn’t mean you are free and just because you have religion doesn’t mean you are saved. Religion will not get you to Heaven, but Jesus will

The Lord showed up again. This time he showed me something about me being in sexual addiction recovery that I did not know. He showed me that when you break your arm it is broken. When your arm is in a cast it is in recovery. When the doctor cuts off the cast you are healed! You are not still in recovery. During the ministry time with the staff it was revealed to me that I have labeled myself as being in recovery from sexual addiction when in fact I have been in torment the last five years. Jesus showed me that I am healed of sexual addiction and I know longer wear the label of a recovering sexual addict but a healed one. So once again our great and wondrous God peeled off another layer.

The rest of my salvation story happened in February 2007 on my way to Amarillo to install some windows at my brother’s house. I was listening to an allegory called Affabell by John Bevere. It absolutely rattled my cage. I had been struggling ever since I got saved on January 1, 2002 with the enemy telling me it was not real. This day I pulled off the side of the road. It was 20 degrees the wind blowing 30 mph and snowing. I got out of my truck got into the ditch, in my short sleeves and with my hands held high I made Jesus my Lord and I have not looked back. I was born again.

God is so faithful, one more layer peeled off. The Lord has used The Quest Life to save my life and to show me what a real man looks like…….. Jesus with skin on. There are so many things the Lord has shown me every time I go back. If you ever want to know I will share them with you on the phone or in person.

The Lord has restored me, and he can restore you. In March 2008 I got free from the death of my son; I personally feel that by going on a Quest and being involved in the Ministry has saved my marriage. He lifted my cocaine addiction on May 12th1988. He kept me from death 4 times that I know of. I have been living a lifestyle of sexual purity since May of 2001, and although I slipped a few times after that, Daddy (Abba Father) has faithfully restored me every time. I am porn free! My worst day now as I walk with Daddy is better than my best day when I did not know Him!

One of my breakthroughs came on June 22, 08. Without going in to details because this is a long story. The Lord showed me on this day to trust Him with my Daughter Nichole. I have never looked back.

There is more to this story, but the bottom line is that for the last two and a half years (2011 to 2013) I have been struggling with unbelief and not trusting God. With thinking that says ……. I can do a better job than You God. That is all gone, and I trust God with everything in my life including whatever happens with my daughter of any of my bonus children.

I will leave you with this. Life is all about choices. I asked the Lord one day “why do I continue to want to look at porn. Why do I feel like I want to go back?” I hear “Kevin, you are free you just choose to go back to your old ways. I have given you all the tools you need to be free, you choose to not use them all. The ball is in your court. I have chosen or have been chosen to serve in the ministry of The Quest Life and have been doing this now for 12 years. I have seen the miracle of our Daddy work time and time again. I stand in Awe.

You are invited to go and experience this as a first-time quester or go back as staff. Either way you will be changed. James says draw near to me and I will draw near to you.

When you do this something is going to change, and it is not going to be Him.

Thanks, and God Bless Kevin Gwyn 2018

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