As I continue to dig into my past, I am now beginning to understand where the anger started. I see the abandonment and the neglect. Bob spoke to me during the last counseling session. He said that I need to understand how to parent that three-year-old angry wounded little boy.
I can honestly say during my meditation times. Every morning, I’ve asked this question while sitting quietly on my couch. I either do not hear anything, or I hear something, and it’s not registering. I always get up off the couch feeling very peaceful but at the same time some mornings frustrated. The other day I heard this. When my grandkids are here. And I get frustrated with them. I need to pause for a moment. Then, I should put myself in their place. Next, I ask how I would want my mom or my dad to treat me in that exact moment. Now I think I understand what it means to parent that three year old in that situation. Just sitting here contemplating what I’m writing I hear not only was I abandoned and neglected. I hear that my parents did not think I was worthy of their attention. I go back and think about my childhood, and I remember I constantly did things to get attention and It was always negative. It was literally a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I believed the lie that I was also not worthy.
Psalms 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
So now everything is coming full circle I don’t need to be seen, and I don’t need to be heard. I am worthy. I would like to think that I have always felt worthy. Talk is cheap but believing it is money. I believe it!
It’s been a great morning.
Matthew 6.6 